During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
