Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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