Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
