I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
