dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
