She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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