She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
