I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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