She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
