i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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