the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Drake has all the answers
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
