He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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