the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
