My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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