I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
then he tried to convert me to islam
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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