Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
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I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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