How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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