When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
