i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
