bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
