You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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