can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
