Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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