my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
