did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
