I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I can text with my tongue
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
