some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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