You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
