Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
