The best revenge is premature balding
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
