Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
