last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Where is the hickey?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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