Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
