I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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