Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
