If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Randomize
