just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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