I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I want to be your penis for a week.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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