I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
