Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
