Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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