My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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