just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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