I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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