Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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