we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
