OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
