My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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