I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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