He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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