I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Sober January is a disaster.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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