There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize