My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
