I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
