who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
