K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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