I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
