If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
